fuuuuuuuck

so last night my grandma updated me on my Papas condition.
for those of you not in the know, my grandfather has lung cancer.
for months he had shoulder pain, and his Dr dismissed it and just kept giving him cortizone shots, knowing full well that he has been a smoker for decades. (i find it extremely negligent on the Drs part to not order at least an x-ray earlier!!!) a few weeks ago the pain was so bad Papa couldnt sleep because of the pain, so he called the Dr again, Dr asked him to come in for a shot, while he was there Papa pointed out an enlarged lymph node in his neck, Dr then becomes nervous (too little too late buddy) and sends him in for x-rays, and PETscans, etc.
last week his lymph node was removed and biopsied. results are in.
he has large cell (non small cell) lung cancer that has metastasized into his lymph system. making it at least stage 3b.
this is BAD. this is very very bad.
honestly, after the last time i saw my Papa a few weeks ago, and knowing how he cant swallow, and cant sleep, and is in so much damn pain all the time, etc. i dont think he is going to last very long in this world.
my Papa is the best Papa anyone could ask for. when we were little he would give us horsey rides around the room, even if he was tired, or his knees hurt. he would lay down in the living room on the floor so i could crawl on top of him and sleep on him when i was a toddler. he was my buddy as a young kid.
he used to sing a song to us when he was changing diapers, when he would put a fresh diaper under the babies bottom he would sing "feeeet up! pat'em on the po po, lets hear 'em laugh, HAHA!" i havent heard it in years, but i can hear it in my head so clearly.
my kids wont be able to remember what a great guy he is, because he is going to be gone soon, and they are still so young.
my heart is breaking knowing my buddy Papa is in such terrible pain.
all i can hope is that he finds peace, wherever his journey takes him.