and more fuck

so, Papa has been admitted to the hospital, second time in a week. first time was because when he went in for chemo he was too dehydrated, needed iv fluids and a blood transfusion, they put in 3 units! then released him to come home, when he went in two days later for chemo he was running a high fever.

this is NOT good!!!

the cancer is spreading fast. he now has two brain tumors that werent there last month, and the lump on his neck that was removed, came back, twice as big. :(

he cant lay down at all because the tumors in his lungs are so big they press on nerves and give him excruciating pain. which makes his radiation treatments really hard for him to endure.

my poor papa is going through such a battle.

my grandmother is convinced that if everyone just thinks positive that we will be able to heal him. but in reality i know in my heart of hearts that he is going to be dying very soon. he cant eat anything, because the tumors in his neck have closed his esophagus to the size of a pea. but the hospital wont give him a feeding tube because he CAN eat, he just WONT eat because of all the pain. um WTF? seriously, the man cant eat enough food when he can only take bites the size of a pea, once per ten minutes due to pain, why NOT help him survive a little bit longer? he is loosing weight rapidly, and he really looks terrible.

my heart is breaking knowing that the kindest, calmest, sweetest man i have ever known in my life is hurting so badly. out of everyone i know he is the least deserving of this kind of an end to his life.

Addy has been obsessing about death lately now too, because she is watching papa die, and Annie the dog has been slowly dying for years, and it seems to be all she is hearing lately. so she is hearing the heaven thing from my mom, and the energy thing from me, and she is so confused and doesnt know what is really happening. she told me yesterday "mommy, i dont ever want to die, not even when i am really old, i want to live forever and see everyone i love" i completely understand how she feels. i also want to live forever. not dying sounds a-ok with me.