he is gone

this morning my aunt called my mom, told her to come to the hospital, Papa isnt doing well.

she asked me if i wanted to go. i did. but i couldnt, my kids were sleeping, one of them nursing, and the other a bear when she wakes if its too early. and my husband had to go to work this morning.

so i couldnt go.

my mom just called. and my Papa has passed.

he succumbed to the pneumonia that ravaged his body when the chemo dropped his immune defenses.

i spent a few hours with him last night. i again rubbed his legs and feet, and tried hard to fill him with peaceful restful energy. i wanted him to be able to pass in peace when it was time. 

because the pneumonia had him filling up with fluid, he was feeling like he was drowning often, and had moments of lucidity where he was gasping, and flailing, and crying for air. thats when the nurses would give him some ativan to calm his anxieties. yes, he WAS drowning, and he knew it. but at least the drugs were able to help him through it.

my Papa was the greatest man i have ever known in my entire life. He was the strong silent type. he was a Navy Man, loyal and true. he didnt have a mean bone in his body. i have never heard him raise his voice in anger, or even frustration. he was always available to play with us, and when we were babies, he snuggled us, and sang to us. i will never ever ever forget his voice singing "feeeeeet up! pat 'em on da po po, lets hear 'em laugh, HA HA!" with a giant grin on his face, during a diaper change.

he is the gold standard for men in my life. he was truely the very best man ever.